Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself and Overcome Self Pity - A Step By Step Guide
Filed Under Recovery Issues |This is a complete guide to help you stop feeling sorry for yourself and overcome self pity.
Self Pity: Defining the Problem
Before we can develop a plan to overcome self-pity, we need to take a quick moment and gain a thorough understanding of it.
Almost any person is capable of occasionally feeling sorry for themselves from time to time. This is not normally a problem. It becomes a problem when an individual starts feeling sorry for themselves on a regular basis. Some people will even go out of there way in order to play the victim role in order to be able to feel sorry for themselves.
Occasional self pity is not really a problem. Only when it becomes obsessive and recurring does it really become a problem.
Photo by mrhayata
Why is Obsessive Self Pity a Problem?
Anyone who falls into the habit of playing the victim role and feeling sorry for themselves on a regular basis is engaged in a very unhealthy pattern. People who abuse drugs and alcohol will use this unhealthy pattern of self pity in order to perpetuate and justify their addiction. Self pity becomes the fuel for the fire. People who are not drug addicts or alcoholics can still become trapped by this pattern of thinking because it can lead to depression and a general lack of motivation. Self Pity takes away people’s enthusiasm and robs them of potential positive action. Instead of being proactive and making positive changes, the person is content to sit around and feel sorry for themselves. This becomes a huge block to making progress in an attempt to overcome addiction.
Step One: You Must Raise Your Awareness
People who are wrapped up in their own self pity can’t see that they are actually being self-centered. The focus is all about me, me, me. Why the world has done me wrong and why everyone should feel sorry for me. Notice 3 things about this self centered thinking:
1) First of all, notice the justification; the entitlement. You feel that you are genuinely a victim and that the world should feel sorry for you. Raise your awareness of when you are using justification.
2) Second of all, notice the obsessive nature of self-centered thinking. Your thoughts are repetitive. You continue to play the victim role in your own head.
3) Realize that anxiety and depression are a factor.
Photo by Zarko Drincic
Self Pity is a 3 part problem:
1) Self Pity is addictive and self perpetuating - because it is an escape of sorts, it feels good, it allows for mental obsession, and it also separates a person from reality. People detach from personal responsibility through self pity. Also, it is persistent because self-pity feeds on itself. It does this through isolating the individual, causing them to feel lonely, and thus creating an endless cycle of pity and isolation.
2) Self Pity is also characterized by low self esteem and a general lack of enthusiasm.
3) Depression and negativity usually follow.
Therefore Overcoming Self Pity Requires a 3 Part Solution:
1) Zero Tolerance Policy
The idea of the Zero Tolerance Policy is to make an agreement with yourself. The agreement is that you are absolutely not going to allow yourself to wallow around in self pity.
The Zero Tolerance Policy requires 3 things to make it work:
* Awareness - You must increase your everyday awareness so that you can identify when you are slipping into self pity mode. This will require some level of effort and practice initially. If you do it for a few days it will become second nature to you.
* Vigilance - Not only do you have to stay alert, but you must also catch yourself immediately and not allow yourself to “indulge” in self pity….not even for a minute.
* Differentiating - Between self pity and genuine sadness. It’s alright to feel emotions, or to feel sad. The problem is when you take your sad emotions and turn them into a selfish and self centered roller coaster. Sadness is a healthy emotion. Self pity is not. If you are honest with yourself you can learn to identify the difference and recognize when you are playing emotional games with yourself. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, nor is there anything wrong with expressing this emotion. The problem is when you take your grief and twist it up so that the world owes you something for it. Then it becomes unhealthy.
Photo by Jekkyl [saison 2]
2) A Self-Empowering Plan of Action - in order to build healthy self-esteem
A big part of overcoming self pity and the depressive state that accompanies it is to take positive action. Do that by focusing your efforts on the following:
* Goal oriented, action oriented - push yourself to achieve new things. Accomplish something. Be productive.
* Always be Striving, Pushing - Don’t allow yourself to stagnate. Push yourself to make new goals if you become idle.
* Growth Oriented - Improve yourself in different ways. Consider education, training, physical exercise, and so on. Expand your horizons.
3) Focus on Gratitude - seeing the glass as half full
* Your New Mantra: “I am Grateful Today Because….”
* Attack gratitude with overwhelming force, let it permeate your life
* If you pray, let gratitude permeate your prayers. If you don’t pray, simply be grateful. Shift your attitude.
Remember that gratitude takes practice. If you have to, sit down and make a gratitude list, writing down everything that you are grateful for.
Summary: Your Action Plan for Overcoming Self Pity
1) Awareness - Work on identification of self-pity. Differentiate genuine feelings of sadness with the destructive selfishness of self pity.
2) Zero Tolerance - Don’t allow yourself to go there. Demand optimism and positive action from yourself.
3) Practice Gratitude - Develop the habit of being thankful. Be happy.
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7 Responses to “Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself and Overcome Self Pity - A Step By Step Guide”
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Spent a good part of the day in self-pity. Had a party! Pushed away from the dinner table in tears and disgust. Locked myself up in my bedroom—wailed, cryed, cursed, punched pillows, screamed. It was all very dramatic.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I am angry. Got up showered and went to an AA meeting. My behavior is so selfish and immature. On the other hand, being sober is so new (60 days) there are emotions that are coming up all over and before I would deaden them by drinking, now that is gone. How I miss it…I know sobriety is better but I am pissed off that I have this disease. Am going to get a sponsor this week. I need to start to work on the steps rather than just be a dry drunk. I am so resentful. I am hip enough to know I need support and I will seek it and accept it. It is not easy. It is not fun. And I have alot to learn…
Hang in there Barbara.
Feelings pass.
I can remember being frustrated and upset at 90 days sober, and wondering why I was still so miserable. Shortly after that, I don’t remember exactly when, but I crossed a threshold and my life started getting better. Somewhere around the 6 month mark I went through a day in which I never thought about drinking….not even once! I called that my spiritual awakening, because I never thought it was possible to really be relieved from the obsession to drink and to want to drink and to want to be drunk.
Self Pity is still a fun game to play for a sick alcoholic and I’ve actually struggled with it a bit lately. I want to thank you for your comment because it reminds me that I have already come a long way. And so have you, Barbara….we don’t have to be victims anymore.
Just think about how much more empowered you will be if you continue to stay sober and start connecting with a higher power. That is the magic of recovery. You have to have faith that this process will really start kicking in and that your life will start getting exponentially better. You just have to make it past this initial curve.
Go get that sponsor and take their suggestions. If you do that and look back on this in a year or two you will say “wow, how much better my life has become; how much I have grown.”
God bless.
Hi.
It is wonderful that you are offering help to the addicted.
One lecture I remember that might help was by the chief psychologist for NASA’s astronauts. He said that the mind does not process negatives. If we talk about the things we do not want to do, we are actually telling the mind to do it. (If you tell yourself not to throw a curve ball, that is what you will have a tendency to do.) He was very clear on this.
One way that I was able to see for myself this is true was remembering the rants of a crazy street person who I once passed, who repeated… “I hate to hate, I hate to hate.” I later realized that it meant near the same as “I love to love” but if you spent a week repeating one or the other, you would end up with very different results inside yourself.
Perhaps regarding this, we should be careful when facing additions that we talk more on the rest of our lives - what we want, what we need to do, what we are grateful for, our children, our hobbies, our work - and less on the addiction itself.
The small contribution to your cause I can offer is to share my little site with you. Try it and see if it might not be a help to some who struggle with their personal addictions. It might be one little step in the journey of recovery for some.
http://theancientsounds.googlepages.com/
Sincerely,
Charlie
Thank you for offering comfort and help to people suffering. Words of wisdom in this article “Focus on Gratitude”
Thank you for your insights.
These words have been eye-opening.
I truly appreciate your website and the help you provide. I am alcohol free but still struggle daily with stinin’ thinkin’. I am especially struggling with self-pity lately. Any help in challenging that is greatly appreciated.
David
Hi there David
Hang in there, and try practicing some gratitude. I also find it helpful to simplify my life a bit and also to get some physical exercise.
Some people might not think that working up a sweat is recovery related, but I would beg to differ. Physical euphoria from exercise can help balance the entire rest of your day, make you feel truly alive, and energize you mentally as well. Give it a try, it can help chase away self-pity in no time!