Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself and Overcome Self Pity - A Step By Step Guide
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This is a complete guide to help you stop feeling sorry for yourself and overcome self pity.
Self Pity: Defining the Problem
Before we can develop a plan to overcome self-pity, we need to take a quick moment and gain a thorough understanding of it.
Almost any person is capable of occasionally feeling sorry for themselves from time to time. This is not normally a problem. It becomes a problem when an individual starts feeling sorry for themselves on a regular basis. Some people will even go out of there way in order to play the victim role in order to be able to feel sorry for themselves.
Occasional self pity is not really a problem. Only when it becomes obsessive and recurring does it really become a problem.
Photo by mrhayata
Why is Obsessive Self Pity a Problem?
Anyone who falls into the habit of playing the victim role and feeling sorry for themselves on a regular basis is engaged in a very unhealthy pattern. People who abuse drugs and alcohol will use this unhealthy pattern of self pity in order to perpetuate and justify their addiction. Self pity becomes the fuel for the fire. People who are not drug addicts or alcoholics can still become trapped by this pattern of thinking because it can lead to depression and a general lack of motivation. Self Pity takes away people’s enthusiasm and robs them of potential positive action. Instead of being proactive and making positive changes, the person is content to sit around and feel sorry for themselves. This becomes a huge block to making progress in an attempt to overcome addiction.
Step One: You Must Raise Your Awareness
People who are wrapped up in their own self pity can’t see that they are actually being self-centered. The focus is all about me, me, me. Why the world has done me wrong and why everyone should feel sorry for me. Notice 3 things about this self centered thinking:
1) First of all, notice the justification; the entitlement. You feel that you are genuinely a victim and that the world should feel sorry for you. Raise your awareness of when you are using justification.
2) Second of all, notice the obsessive nature of self-centered thinking. Your thoughts are repetitive. You continue to play the victim role in your own head.
3) Realize that anxiety and depression are a factor.
Photo by Zarko Drincic
Self Pity is a 3 part problem:
1) Self Pity is addictive and self perpetuating - because it is an escape of sorts, it feels good, it allows for mental obsession, and it also separates a person from reality. People detach from personal responsibility through self pity. Also, it is persistent because self-pity feeds on itself. It does this through isolating the individual, causing them to feel lonely, and thus creating an endless cycle of pity and isolation.
2) Self Pity is also characterized by low self esteem and a general lack of enthusiasm.
3) Depression and negativity usually follow.
Therefore Overcoming Self Pity Requires a 3 Part Solution:
1) Zero Tolerance Policy
The idea of the Zero Tolerance Policy is to make an agreement with yourself. The agreement is that you are absolutely not going to allow yourself to wallow around in self pity. This is similar to how an alcoholic would approach abstinence and addiction help - you simply do not allow yourself to “go there.”
The Zero Tolerance Policy requires 3 things to make it work:
* Awareness - You must increase your everyday awareness so that you can identify when you are slipping into self pity mode. This will require some level of effort and practice initially. If you do it for a few days it will become second nature to you.
* Vigilance - Not only do you have to stay alert, but you must also catch yourself immediately and not allow yourself to “indulge” in self pity….not even for a minute.
* Differentiating - Between self pity and genuine sadness. It’s alright to feel emotions, or to feel sad. The problem is when you take your sad emotions and turn them into a selfish and self centered roller coaster. Sadness is a healthy emotion. Self pity is not. If you are honest with yourself you can learn to identify the difference and recognize when you are playing emotional games with yourself. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, nor is there anything wrong with expressing this emotion. The problem is when you take your grief and twist it up so that the world owes you something for it. Then it becomes unhealthy.
Photo by Jekkyl [saison 2]
2) A Self-Empowering Plan of Action - in order to build healthy self-esteem
A big part of overcoming self pity and the depressive state that accompanies it is to take positive action. Do that by focusing your efforts on the following:
* Goal oriented, action oriented - push yourself to achieve new things. Accomplish something. Be productive.
* Always be Striving, Pushing - Don’t allow yourself to stagnate. Push yourself to make new goals if you become idle.
* Growth Oriented - Improve yourself in different ways. Consider education, training, physical exercise, and so on. Expand your horizons.
3) Focus on Gratitude - seeing the glass as half full
* Your New Mantra: “I am Grateful Today Because….”
* Attack gratitude with overwhelming force, let it permeate your life
* If you pray, let gratitude permeate your prayers. If you don’t pray, simply be grateful. Shift your attitude.
Remember that gratitude takes practice. If you have to, sit down and make a gratitude list, writing down everything that you are grateful for.
Summary: Your Action Plan for Overcoming Self Pity
1) Awareness - Work on identification of self-pity. Differentiate genuine feelings of sadness with the destructive selfishness of self pity.
2) Zero Tolerance - Don’t allow yourself to go there. Demand optimism and positive action from yourself.
3) Practice Gratitude - Develop the habit of being thankful. Be happy.
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26 Responses to “Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself and Overcome Self Pity - A Step By Step Guide”
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Spent a good part of the day in self-pity. Had a party! Pushed away from the dinner table in tears and disgust. Locked myself up in my bedroom—wailed, cryed, cursed, punched pillows, screamed. It was all very dramatic.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I am angry. Got up showered and went to an AA meeting. My behavior is so selfish and immature. On the other hand, being sober is so new (60 days) there are emotions that are coming up all over and before I would deaden them by drinking, now that is gone. How I miss it…I know sobriety is better but I am pissed off that I have this disease. Am going to get a sponsor this week. I need to start to work on the steps rather than just be a dry drunk. I am so resentful. I am hip enough to know I need support and I will seek it and accept it. It is not easy. It is not fun. And I have alot to learn…
Hang in there Barbara.
Feelings pass.
I can remember being frustrated and upset at 90 days sober, and wondering why I was still so miserable. Shortly after that, I don’t remember exactly when, but I crossed a threshold and my life started getting better. Somewhere around the 6 month mark I went through a day in which I never thought about drinking….not even once! I called that my spiritual awakening, because I never thought it was possible to really be relieved from the obsession to drink and to want to drink and to want to be drunk.
Self Pity is still a fun game to play for a sick alcoholic and I’ve actually struggled with it a bit lately. I want to thank you for your comment because it reminds me that I have already come a long way. And so have you, Barbara….we don’t have to be victims anymore.
Just think about how much more empowered you will be if you continue to stay sober and start connecting with a higher power. That is the magic of recovery. You have to have faith that this process will really start kicking in and that your life will start getting exponentially better. You just have to make it past this initial curve.
Go get that sponsor and take their suggestions. If you do that and look back on this in a year or two you will say “wow, how much better my life has become; how much I have grown.”
God bless.
Hi.
It is wonderful that you are offering help to the addicted.
One lecture I remember that might help was by the chief psychologist for NASA’s astronauts. He said that the mind does not process negatives. If we talk about the things we do not want to do, we are actually telling the mind to do it. (If you tell yourself not to throw a curve ball, that is what you will have a tendency to do.) He was very clear on this.
One way that I was able to see for myself this is true was remembering the rants of a crazy street person who I once passed, who repeated… “I hate to hate, I hate to hate.” I later realized that it meant near the same as “I love to love” but if you spent a week repeating one or the other, you would end up with very different results inside yourself.
Perhaps regarding this, we should be careful when facing additions that we talk more on the rest of our lives - what we want, what we need to do, what we are grateful for, our children, our hobbies, our work - and less on the addiction itself.
The small contribution to your cause I can offer is to share my little site with you. Try it and see if it might not be a help to some who struggle with their personal addictions. It might be one little step in the journey of recovery for some.
http://theancientsounds.googlepages.com/
Sincerely,
Charlie
Thank you for offering comfort and help to people suffering. Words of wisdom in this article “Focus on Gratitude”
Thank you for your insights.
These words have been eye-opening.
I truly appreciate your website and the help you provide. I am alcohol free but still struggle daily with stinin’ thinkin’. I am especially struggling with self-pity lately. Any help in challenging that is greatly appreciated.
David
Hi there David
Hang in there, and try practicing some gratitude. I also find it helpful to simplify my life a bit and also to get some physical exercise.
Some people might not think that working up a sweat is recovery related, but I would beg to differ. Physical euphoria from exercise can help balance the entire rest of your day, make you feel truly alive, and energize you mentally as well. Give it a try, it can help chase away self-pity in no time!
Personally, I don’t know how it’s possible to change your life on your own, even with these great exercises. These definitely help, and your own thinking is crucial to getting better. But you need others to lean on and help you get through this difficult time. However, because humans are flawed, they will let you down sometimes. The only one who can ultimtaely change your life, by filling that emptiness inside that overwhelms, and taking your worries, is Christ. It’s amazing how letting him into your life, lets all that bad stuff out. —This is my personal experience- these thinking steps are nothing without God.
Your approach is flawed
There is nothing wrong with self-pity, it’s a natural feeling and a growth oriented process.
People who say to “Stop feeling sorry for yourself” are repressive, dysfunctional and destructive towards others Their objective is to invalidate the pain of others and make them feel insecure for experiencing the pain of their lives. It is an attack on people for sharing the pain of their lives.
It is an attack of repressive people.
Rejoice in self-pity, defend it and tell the attackers to go to hades!
Viva Self-Pity!
People who love themselves feel sorry for themselves, it is only natural and on felling sorry for themselves they take care to identify what has caused them pain and to deal with who and what has caused them pain and nourish themselves to be happy.
I encourage people who have denied themselves self-pity to re-integrate this feeling back into their personality or else you became like the Nazi personality without empathy or warmth.
Self-Pity is a process. Only by feeling self-pity can a person determine what is necessary to bring happiness to themselves.
Do not deny the Self!
Do not deny negative emotions!
This is the true path to a joyous life!
I sense a fullness to the understanding of self pity with Max’s post about rejoicing in self-pity. I recognize how self pity can be a problem for me when I ruminate on some wrong that sticks inside of me…and therein lies the magic of self pity. If I wake up to what is at its root and apply healing to it, there, in that place, then self pity has guided me to health.
I agree with Max that self pity should be an honoured guest. A guest that is visiting to help only me. A good hostess listens attentively and deeply. I would be terribly cruel if I ignored the needs of my guest and instead scapegoated them.
I think the idea that self pity should be treated like an “honored guest” is heading for trouble.
Don’t confuse sadness with self-pity. Being sad is the healthy, normal emotion that needs to be felt and worked through in a normal state of grieving. Self-pity is a “sticky” emotion that becomes obsessive in nature, that’s why it is so damaging, because the person dwells on their sadness and clings to it, they wallow in it.
Perhaps self-pity is the “luxury of the normal man,” but like resentments, self-pity is poison to an alcoholic or drug addict. It is a sure path back to the bottle. “Normies” (non-addicts) might be able to enjoy their pity party like a fine glass of wine, but for me, to wallow in self pity for any length of time is to invite obsessive thinking and eventual relapse.
Hi! This is just so wonderful. My boyfriend is suffering from this self pity. And there are lots of times when i wanted to give up on him. You see, we don’t really have a happy relationship. Yeah, there are happy times but i wouldn’t really say that it is pure happiness. Imagine me as Europe and him as Africa. He didn’t finish school and is very poor. But that didn’t really stop me from loving him. I love him for who he is.. and yet there are really times in an argument that he’ll bring that up. Then he’ll make me feel that i don’t care about him and that i am better off with someone rich and educated, someone opposite of him. And i get frustrated on how to talk to him coz i can’t. He gets mad when he’s in an awkward situation or a difficult situation, really mad that i couldn’t even talk to him.. Can anyone please help me..
Hi there Izanami
I haven’t really explored the idea of helping another person pull themselves out of self-pity…only in helping yourself to do so.
Perhaps you could encourage him to focus on gratitude, that is the whole key to beating self-pity. Another good idea is to get him to help other people in some way, especially those who are less fortunate than he is. That is another good way to defeat self-pity. But as to how you can encourage him to actually do those things, I think that is another matter entirely. Good luck with it though, and let us know if you make any progress!
Thank you Patrick. I will try talking to him later.. coz he’s in the “mood” again and i dont want to anger him even more.. Sometimes i thought of just breaking up with him and let him deal with his own problem, but i just couldn’t. I care so much about him that it hurts me more when he’s doing it..
i am in a self pity deal,ive been in a relationship with a girl for almost twenty years and throughout we just glided along and never got married we had lived together for a couple of years but we ended up at each others throat and decided to move out.we still loved each other but we never got it done,so,what happened? a couple of years after we moved out she became restless of how her life was going and kept tellin me we werent going anywhere!but didnt make me feel that is was very serious,just comments not a sit down. well i didnt know what i could do,we spent alot of time together and i was always going to her place to plant trees in her back yard and put in a fish pond,bringing dinner over and so on,and we had a decent sex life,anyway……. she left me and took our dog we’ve had together that loved me and is making it so i cant even see her now!i can call her but she reads my e-mails tellin her that its the wrong way for me havin no say so(she has a support system,her mom family,ext……)and she tells me that its the best way and she needs to take care of herselr now. how can someone who you have loved and treated well just cut everything off like that after all those years? never saw it coming in this fashion.so now im alone and the two things that were my family is gone. if feel slapped in the face by not being able to have the choice to see my dog or her. isnt this weird for someone who can cut youre love off like a branch? she had just givin me an anniverary card 2 months earlier tellin me how she wants us to make it in the future?it made me cry when she gave it to me and then this!!!! this has screwed my life up.a large loss and im angry. any advice? i could sure use it. oh yeah shes movin in a couple of weeks 100 miles away with her mom so shes not in the area.damn i miss my dog as much as her i cant even watch a dog on tv and everything is reminding me of her.all this time weve never been apart this long in 17 years,the holidays coming and no new years kiss,this is just screwing me up and im scared and sad and angry all together.help?
Thanks for your comment Terry. I feel for you and I have been through a similar hardship, although I was not in that long term of a relationship like you were.
This is definitely a tricky subject for me to give advice on and I would encourage other readers to jump in and give their opinions. Here is what I know:
One, you can’t berate yourself for feeling sad. That is a normal reaction to something like this and it is not unhealthy. You should feel sad. Allow this to happen, allow yourself to feel sad (whatever that means….just know that you’re going to feel sad for a while).
Two, you should pay special attention to how you react to the sad feelings. (This is the tricky part). In my opinion, there is a difference between the sad feelings you are having and your reaction to those sad feelings.
What I used to do quite frequently is to grab a hold of those sad feelings and build up this big drama in my head as to why I was the saddest victim that ever lived. This was not the feeling (the sadness), this was my reaction to the feeling. I was building it up and playing with it in my mind and imagining that other people should feel sorry for me because I had such rotten luck. It became a big drama in my own mind and turned into an obsession.
See the difference? It became an intellectual game for me, the self-pity was poisoning my mind.
Sadness is a feeling. You feel it and it can be very intense and it can overwhelm you and be very devastating, but it is not the same as self-pity. Self pity is a head game that you play with yourself, it is part of wanting to feel sad and pathetic and wanting to be the victim….it is enjoying being the victim.
So my advice to you Terry is to feel your feelings. Allow for sadness. You might grieve the loss of this long term relationship with your partner and with your dog for a long time. But don’t allow it to sabotage your mind with obsession and victim-mentality kind of thinking. Don’t fall into the trap of self pity.
I’m not saying you should run out tomorrow and find yourself a new relationship and buy a new dog. That would be denying your true feelings. You need time to grieve. It’s OK to be sad. It’s real, it’s human, and it’s OK. But don’t let it overtake your life and destroy who you are on the inside. You are still a valuable individual, a human with tons of potential to offer the world.
It might not get better today or tomorrow but it will get better. Feel the sadness and let it be what it is. Slowly you will start moving on with your life.
God bless you Terry and good luck.
I am a 25 yr old fashion model with everything to live for and all i do is feel sorry for myself because i had a very difficult childhood where everyone in my life seemed to critise me so i became a victim from an early age, even after reading and knowing what steps to take to conquer my feelings of self pity it all just is too overwhelming, the sad emotions filter through my body with no plug hole for them to escape out of, so nobody wants to be around me, i abuse smoking weed and its all i can ever think about as i am an insomniac and cant get to sleep without it and the doctor wont perscribe me sleeping tablets cause they are concerned i will abuse them so i sit up all night and finally get to sleep around 4am but then its time for work at 7am so im constanly in a bad mood and everything is such an effort, i am grateful for the things i do have but the bad things seem to outweigh the good, i dont know what to do anymore and think about killing myself everyday which is more self pity and wanting someone to come to my rescue.
i dont know where to go anymore or what to do and just cry all the time and dont enjoy living.
Hi there Sydney
I think there are some new ways to treat insomnia that are not so addictive, or at least there are new meds out there without so much abuse potential. Things like Lunesta, Rozerem, Sonata, Trazadone. I’m not a doctor but I know that some of these medications are safe for addicts to take, so it might be worth looking in to.
If you can get your sleep straightened out and get off the weed for a few months you will notice a big change in how you feel. Easier said than done, I know. Some people do go to treatment for Marijuana addiction you know….and most treatment centers will give some form of non addictive meds to help people sleep at night. Something to consider….
Thanks for posting this article. It really opened my eyes. I started to look into self pity today because my husband is really frustrated with me and I told him that I feel like such a bad person (for making him so upset with me that he talked to his mom about it) and he said something like “yeah, self pity is really going to help you”. Something like that. And it just hit home, you know? I know that I go through periods of self pity but I didn’t realize it was the cause for some of my occasional depression and negative feelings. He also said earlier that I need to stop being a victim. I didn’t even realize I was doing these things! I guess they had become such ingrained habits from my rough childhood and I think it’s a pattern I picked up from my mom.
I’m just shocked at myself because I just got married this past summer in Germany because my husband is from Germany and currently still lives there until his work contract ends and I live here in the U.S. The wedding was so amazing and I felt like such an empowered women on top of the world and I felt like I was going to take the world by storm. But when I came back home I was so frustrated with my parents not ebing able to help support me while I go to college and being robbed of the security of being with my husband and my in-laws. My family is so unstable sometimes and crisises just seem to always come up. Because of that I always seem to shut down and play the pity game with myself and others and don’t realize it. It’s just so frustrating because I know I’m better than that and that I am a strong women. But its for me to handle the disappointment from my husband for things I didn’t do because I realize I was shutting down and playing the pity part, letting my enviroment and situation rob me of my power over my life. Well, It’s time for to take a stand and say enough is enough. I am a strong and intelligent women and I won’t let my family or my childhood get the best of me ever again. I’ve learned my lesson. The pity stops here.
Thank you so much for the article. I’m definitely going to take your advise.
Thank you for such an insightful article. I have come to realize that a good part of my life has been wasted to self-pity. It seems as though I allowed the luxury to occur when I was quite young and never really understood what I was doing to myself. Today will be the first day in a life that is less self-centered.
Love and relationships have had such an effect on my life. I seem to find myself slipping into a state of insecurity which breeds all the other unproductive feelings, and of course all roads then lead to the house of Self-Pity. It seems I have a habit of setting expectations and then focus on what the response will be if it is not met. Consequently my mind fabricates emotions that in and of themselves get in the way of the expectation…a good dose of “careful what you wish for”.
I recognize now that this is a direct need to feel pity. It will be a challenge to sort through that which is a reasonable reaction to the surroundings and self-pity.
Hi there Bruce
Yes it is all about separating the healthy emotion of genuine grief and sadness with the destructive self pity.
A powerful trick is to write daily in a journal. This is simple and effective. What is does in the fight against self pity is to keep you a bit more accountable and it helps you keep track of how long you are hanging on to your emotions.
There is nothing wrong with sadness and no one should deny you your grief. But if a negative emotion clings to your life and holds you back then it is time to take positive action against it. Kudos to you for having such self awareness about this issue Bruce….
hi
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good luck
Today is the beginning of my life..I enjoy my computer to the highest. Iam a self-pity person. I want to change,I have so muct to be thankful for, self-pity and loneliness have taken over my life. I’am handicap, I am shame to go places, I walk with a cane. I feel like my so call friends are ashame to be with me. They go places come back call me and laugh about the good times. I am so happy I found this information.Thanks. Marie
Hi there Marie
Sounds like you are making some good choices now. Never give up hope and stay positive!
This is very valuable and helpful information, thank you for posting. I need to do a gratitude list right now!
haha - was a good read for me. I have forgotten to keep tabs on my self pitty meter.
I have fantasic friends and family. When I was using i had neither. People trust and rely on my now days. When I was using I couldnt trust myself. I have a job which I love and pays enough to to do all the things I allways dream of. When I was using I couldnt even manage the paper work to stay on unemployment benefits. I have bought 3 nice housed in recovery. When I was using I stayed at addict friends, half way houses and was homeless in the end.
yet I sometimes convince myself that the world still deals me an unfair hand…